Madeleine Vieira 8/25/22 Madeleine Vieira 8/25/22

5 Tricky Toddler Behaviors for Parents and Caregivers to Understand

If you’re the parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve seen your fair share of temper tantrums, dealt with hitting or biting, or gotten into power struggles with your child.

While the toddler years are a wonderful time of exploration and development, they also can be trying on parents or caregivers.

One minute your child is being oh-so-sweet and angelic and the next they’re throwing a fit in the middle of the frozen food aisle.

Let’s tackle 5 tricky (but common) toddler behaviors and gain insight into why they occur.

If you’re the parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve seen your fair share of temper tantrums, dealt with hitting or biting, or gotten into power struggles with your child.

While the toddler years are a wonderful time of exploration and development, they also can be trying on parents or caregivers.

One minute your child is being oh-so-sweet and angelic and the next they’re throwing a fit in the middle of the frozen food aisle.

Let’s tackle 5 tricky (but common) toddler behaviors and gain insight into why they occur.

Why Does My Toddler Throw Temper Tantrums?

Temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. They’re your two- or three-year-old’s way of expressing big emotions they’re unable to regulate. Young children are not able to express frustration, anxiety, or anger the way older children or adults can because their brains are still immature.

It’s normal for toddlers to throw tantrums because they haven’t yet learned the ins and outs of:(2)

Impulse control
Communicating their needs or wants
Self-soothing
Delaying gratification
Problem solving
Navigating situations with appropriate responses

The good news is, by age three and a half, most children have few or no tantrums.(1)

There’s no such thing as a “tantrum disorder.”(2) But frequent or persistent tantrums may be an indication of a larger issue that needs to be addressed. Children with ADHD are particularly prone to outbursts or meltdowns because they struggle with poor impulse control and being bored.(2) A recent study showed that over 75% of children who had severe temper outbursts also fit the criteria for ADHD.(2) Children with autism or anxiety may struggle with unexpected changes or unfamiliar situations and have a tantrum as a result.(2) And children with sensory processing issues may have a tantrum if they are experiencing sensory overload.(2) Depression or undiagnosed learning disorders could also be contributing factors to children throwing tantrums.(2)

Emotion-regulation is a skill children need to be taught, just like problem-solving or communicating their needs.

And when a child can’t emotionally regulate, a tantrum, or two other common toddler behaviors, may ensue.

Why Does My Toddler Bite and Hit?

It may surprise you to learn that biting is a common behavior among toddlers. It typically happens when a child is trying to communicate a need or cope with a difficult emotion. For example, your toddler may become frustrated or mad when a sibling takes his toy. He needs to self-regulate and cope with the anger and frustration but doesn’t know how, so biting ensues.

A Few Reasons Toddlers May Bite or Hit:

They are still developing their impulse control skills
They don’t yet know how to delay gratification
They’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to regulate themselves
They lack the skills to communicate their strong feelings with words
They don’t understand what constitutes an appropriate response to dealing with a challenge

On episode 13 of Genius Little Minds, I give some tips for things you can do and say when your child has bitten another child. Check out the podcast episode here.

Why Does My Toddler Refuse to Share?

Sharing is tough! Even for adults, it’s sometimes difficult.

It’s not very realistic to expect your 2-year-old to be a competent sharer. They’re just too young to grasp the concept. They’re also lacking language skills to express themselves fully, so they often can’t explain why they just don’t want toshare.

So if your young toddler hasn’t yet mastered the art of sharing, don’t sweat it. This skill doesn’t develop until a child is about 3 and a half or 4 years old.(5)

Sharing is a learned skill, so talking about it (without imposing unrealistic expectation that it will happen overnight) can be helpful. Try pointing out moments in your daily life when sharing occurs, like when you share your food with your spouse or take turns using an electronic device.

Why Is My Toddler Not Seeking Independence?

You’ve probably heard that two-year-olds have a lot of opinions. After all, everyone says they love the word “no”, want to dress themselves and try new things. But what if your child doesn’t fit that description?

Of course as a parent, you play a huge role in your child’s life. Your behaviors and parenting style have a huge impact on how your child acts and interacts with the world.

Now I’m not here to shame anyone’s parenting... I know everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources available to them. But there are two parenting styles that can either encourage the development of autonomy or hinder it.

Autonomy Supporting Parenting

Also know as Autonomy Granting Parenting, Autonomy Supporting Parenting encourages independence in ways that are gentle and appropriate.(4)

Children with Autonomy Supporting parents are allowed to explore new, non-threatening situations without interference. (4) This teaches them independence and the idea that it’s OK to be themselves.

Protective Parenting

Protective Parenting is “the broad restriction of a child’s autonomy.”(4) And it “can increase the risk of child anxiety development.”(4)

To some degree, every parent is protective of their children. But Protective Parenting can interfere with a child’s discovery or the magical world of autonomy. It can hinder independent exploration and reduce their confidence.(4)

Interested in Learning More?

Check out this podcast episode for more information on these tricky — but common — toddler behaviors. Learn what to do when your toddler starts to hit the dog… or their sibling. Gain insight into how to handle a toddler who won’t get dressed, and what to do when your child simply won’t. stop. screaming. I also provide a few scripts for what to say to your toddler in these tough situations.

Equip yourself with knowledge and tools to help your child thrive. And be sure to subscribe to the Genius Little Minds podcast so you never miss an episode!

References

Madeleine Vieira 8/1/22 Madeleine Vieira 8/1/22

Why the Toddler Years Matter So Much for Brain Development

If you have a toddler, you’ve witnessed firsthand how incredibly active they are and how fast they learn! So many amazing milestones are reached during the toddler years — from walking to talking to using their fingers to eat.

Toddlers can be larger than life. With their big feelings, bigger tantrums, and daily skill acquisition — you may be marveling at all the new things they’re learning and doing.

Every day is different with a toddler. And it’s in part because their brains are so incredibly malleable and developing at a wildly rapid pace.

So what’s going on inside that genius little mind of theirs?

Toddlers can be larger than life. With their big feelings, bigger tantrums, and daily skill acquisition — you may be marveling at all the new things they’re learning and doing.

Every day is different with a toddler. And it’s in part because their brains are so incredibly malleable and developing at a wildly rapid pace.

So what’s going on inside that genius little mind of theirs?

How Does Your Toddler’s Brain Work?

You’ve probably heard that children’s brains have more neuroplasticity than adult brains. What’s neuroplasticity? The brain’s ability to change or rewire itself after experiences.(1)

Two-year-olds have twice as many synapses or connections between neurons than adults do. (2) Synapses are where neurons (or brain cells) communicate. The neural pathways that are used regularly become well-established, while the ones that aren’t are lost.

We either ‘use it or we lose it’.

What does this mean in practical terms?

Brain development is all about forming connections.(2) Your toddler’s brain is shaped by his or her experiences. So singing familiar songs, letting your toddler play, practice their skills, and engage with you and others is a vital part of their development.

This is why you’re encouraged to read to your toddler every single day. Even if you’re reading the same short books over and over again, you’re encouraging those neural pathways to strengthen.

A Critical Period in Brain Development

Children’s brains develop in what are called “critical periods”(2) and “sensitive periods” which are essentially windows of time in which their brain plasticity is maximized.(3) Critical periods happen between age 2 and 7 and again in adolescence.(2) During critical periods, synapses can form or strengthen more easily.

This is why it’s easier for children to learn things when they’re young, like learning to speak a foreign language.

The sensitive period for learning to speak a foreign language like a native speaker is from age 0 to 12.(4) Of course you can still learn to speak a new language after age 12. But it will be harder and require more effort because the critical and sensitive periods will have already closed.(4)

Over time, pruning occurs. The connections that don’t get used get discarded. As we age, our brain wiring becomes harder to change.(5) Just like the old adage says, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” It’s not impossible, but we tend to get stuck in our ways — quite literally.

Help Your Child Cultivate Emotional Intelligence and a Growth Mindset… Eventually

Your toddler is learning something new every single day — be it from you, another caregiver in her life, or just from the wide world she’s interacting with. Her brain is like a sponge, taking in new words, faces, and places. She’s learning to sing songs, identify pictures, and how her toys work. It can be quite surprising when your toddler shows off a new skill or says a new word she overheard!

And as a parent or caregiver, you are a tremendous resource, teacher, and model for desirable behavior.

Here are 3 ways you can help your toddler’s brain develop:

1. Name Feelings Together

Children learn emotional intelligence from the adults who model it for them. And naming feelings is hugely important in helping your child understand his or her emotional landscape and internal world.

Let’s say your child is struggling with jealousy over the birth of her baby sister. You could say, ‘Your new baby sister is getting a lot of attention from your dad and I. I bet that makes you feel a little jealous and maybe even sad.’ Naming and acknowledging your toddler’s feelings — even the more “negative” or “less-desirable” ones — can help her feel understood. It can also help her feel more receptive to being comforted when she’s upset.(5) Rather than brushing her feelings off as insignificant, you’re teaching her what it is she’s feeling. You’re letting her know it has a name.

It may also be helpful to share a time when you were a child and experienced similar emotions. This helps your toddler learn that these big feelings are okay to have and won’t last forever.

2. Praise Their Process

Did you know there’s a difference between praising outcome and praising effort?

Research shows that when you praise the process and effort a toddler is putting into a task rather than just the outcome of the task itself — your toddler is more likely to have a growth mindset five years down the line.(5)

Let’s say your toddler is playing with nesting cups. You could praise intelligence — ‘You did it! You’re so smart!’

You could swoop in when things get tough — not allowing them to work things out for themselves, even if they’re age appropriate — undermining your child’s independence and sense of competence.

Or you could praise the process — ‘You stuck with this even though it was tricky at times. I like how you kept trying.’

Praising process teaches your child that it’s okay to fail. And it’s okay to make mistakes. And it’s okay to try again. Maybe your toddler loves the responsibility of feeding the family cat. But sometimes, more of the cat’s kibble gets on the floor than in the bowl. You could offer praise by saying, ‘Scooping the cat food without spilling is tough! But I love how you’re trying.’

This type of praise not only has an impact on their developing brain but will help cultivate a growth mindset when they’re older.(5)

3. Study Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development

Toddlers are fascinating little beings. And Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development provides a great framework for understanding just that — how their brain is developing.

If you’re not familiar with it, Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development can be a very helpful tool. You’ll gain insight into how your child learns, processes, and engages with the world. When you understand things from their point of view, you can embrace the parenting journey with even wider arms.

According to Piaget’s Theory, toddlers are in the preoperational stage of development. There are 8 important features within this stage that I go over in detail on this podcast episode. I cover things like why the animated film Toy Story is such a hit with kids, whether imaginary friends are “normal” or cause for concern, and why your toddler will play next to her little friend, but struggles to actually engage with her.

Interested in Learning More?

Check out the podcast episode on toddler brain development! You’ll get a deeper look at the topics covered in this blog and much more. Tune in to gain insight into why your 3-year-old might be afraid of the bathtub drain or think her shoe is “mad at her.”

Equip yourself with knowledge and tools to help your child thrive. And be sure to subscribe to the Genius Little Minds podcast so you never miss an episode!

References

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-brain-plasticity-2794886
https://www.edutopia.org/article/why-ages-2-7-matter-so-much-brain-development
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32958196/
https://vachildcare.com/the-critical-vs-sensitive-periods-of-brain-development/
https://therapyworks.com/blog/language-development/home-tips/growth-mindset/
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, John Gottman, Simon & Schuster.