5 Tricky Toddler Behaviors for Parents and Caregivers to Understand

If you’re the parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve seen your fair share of temper tantrums, dealt with hitting or biting, or gotten into power struggles with your child.

While the toddler years are a wonderful time of exploration and development, they also can be trying on parents or caregivers.

One minute your child is being oh-so-sweet and angelic and the next they’re throwing a fit in the middle of the frozen food aisle.

Let’s tackle 5 tricky (but common) toddler behaviors and gain insight into why they occur.

Why Does My Toddler Throw Temper Tantrums?

Temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. They’re your two- or three-year-old’s way of expressing big emotions they’re unable to regulate. Young children are not able to express frustration, anxiety, or anger the way older children or adults can because their brains are still immature.

It’s normal for toddlers to throw tantrums because they haven’t yet learned the ins and outs of:(2)

• Impulse control

• Communicating their needs or wants

• Self-soothing

• Delaying gratification

• Problem solving

• Navigating situations with appropriate responses

The good news is, by age three and a half, most children have few or no tantrums.(1)

There’s no such thing as a “tantrum disorder.”(2) But frequent or persistent tantrums may be an indication of a larger issue that needs to be addressed. Children with ADHD are particularly prone to outbursts or meltdowns because they struggle with poor impulse control and being bored.(2) A recent study showed that over 75% of children who had severe temper outbursts also fit the criteria for ADHD.(2) Children with autism or anxiety may struggle with unexpected changes or unfamiliar situations and have a tantrum as a result.(2) And children with sensory processing issues may have a tantrum if they are experiencing sensory overload.(2)  Depression or undiagnosed learning disorders could also be contributing factors to children throwing tantrums.(2)

Emotion-regulation is a skill children need to be taught, just like problem-solving or communicating their needs.

And when a child can’t emotionally regulate, a tantrum, or two other common toddler behaviors, may ensue.

Why Does My Toddler Bite and Hit?

It may surprise you to learn that biting is a common behavior among toddlers. It typically happens when a child is trying to communicate a need or cope with a difficult emotion. For example, your toddler may become frustrated or mad when a sibling takes his toy. He needs to self-regulate and cope with the anger and frustration but doesn’t know how, so biting ensues.

A Few Reasons Toddlers May Bite or Hit:

• They are still developing their impulse control skills

• They don’t yet know how to delay gratification

• They’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to regulate themselves

• They lack the skills to communicate their strong feelings with words

• They don’t understand what constitutes an appropriate response to dealing with a challenge

On episode 13 of Genius Little Minds, I give some tips for things you can do and say when your child has bitten another child. Check out the podcast episode here.

Why Does My Toddler Refuse to Share?

Sharing is tough! Even for adults, it’s sometimes difficult.

It’s not very realistic to expect your 2-year-old to be a competent sharer. They’re just too young to grasp the concept. They’re also lacking language skills to express themselves fully, so they often can’t explain why they just don’t want toshare.

So if your young toddler hasn’t yet mastered the art of sharing, don’t sweat it. This skill doesn’t develop until a child is about 3 and a half or 4 years old.(5)

Sharing is a learned skill, so talking about it (without imposing unrealistic expectation that it will happen overnight) can be helpful. Try pointing out moments in your daily life when sharing occurs, like when you share your food with your spouse or take turns using an electronic device.

Why Is My Toddler Not Seeking Independence?

You’ve probably heard that two-year-olds have a lot of opinions. After all, everyone says they love the word “no”, want to dress themselves and try new things. But what if your child doesn’t fit that description? 

Of course as a parent, you play a huge role in your child’s life. Your behaviors and parenting style have a huge impact on how your child acts and interacts with the world.

Now I’m not here to shame anyone’s parenting... I know everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources available to them. But there are two parenting styles that can either encourage the development of autonomy or hinder it.

Autonomy Supporting Parenting

Also know as Autonomy Granting Parenting, Autonomy Supporting Parenting encourages independence in ways that are gentle and appropriate.(4)

Children with Autonomy Supporting parents are allowed to explore new, non-threatening situations without interference. (4) This teaches them independence and the idea that it’s OK to be themselves.

Protective Parenting

Protective Parenting is “the broad restriction of a child’s autonomy.”(4) And it “can increase the risk of child anxiety development.”(4)

To some degree, every parent is protective of their children. But Protective Parenting can interfere with a child’s discovery or the magical world of autonomy. It can hinder independent exploration and reduce their confidence.(4) 

Interested in Learning More?

Check out this podcast episode for more information on these tricky — but common — toddler behaviors. Learn what to do when your toddler starts to hit the dog… or their sibling. Gain insight into how to handle a toddler who won’t get dressed, and what to do when your child simply won’t. stop. screaming. I also provide a few scripts for what to say to your toddler in these tough situations.

Equip yourself with knowledge and tools to help your child thrive. And be sure to subscribe to the Genius Little Minds podcast so you never miss an episode!

References

1. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845

2. https://childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/

3. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/02/biting

4. https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10802-019-00522-9.pdf

5. https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/1964-helping-young-children-with-sharing

6. https://www.todaysparent.com/toddler/toddler-behaviour/how-to-discipline-a-toddler/

7. https://www.brighthorizons.com/family-resources/articles/e-news/autonomy-supported-parenting

8. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022096513002440

9. https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1021960/how-to-teach-your-child-to-share

10. https://www.greatkidsinc.org/sharing-is-caringand-a-developmental-milestone/

How to Best Handle Toddler Tantrums and Help Your Child Regulate Their Emotions

What Is a Temper Tantrum?

You’re a parent—you’ve seen it all. The arched back, the flailing fits, clenched fists, screaming, crying—toddler temper tantrums can be brutal, even though they are extremely common in kids age 1-3. They can also be embarrassing for you as a parent. 

But temper tantrums are actually an opportunity for you to understand your child better and help them learn emotional regulation.

Why Do Temper Tantrums Occur?

Tantrums are (surprisingly!) a normal part of your child’s development. 

Toddlers’ social and emotional skills are still developing. Their brains are immature and therefore don't yet have the ability to emotionally regulate and self-soothe. To do so, they need help from a parent/caregiver. So they resort to getting their needs met in the only way they know how—by screaming or crying. 

Big emotions can be tough for adults to regulate—imagine how they feel to your young child! 

The following can contribute to temper tantrums:

• Overstimulation, hunger, tiredness, stress

• Frustrating situations

• Big emotions like shame, sadness, fear, or worry

• Temperament
  

Toddlers (terrible twos) tend to express themselves in tantrums because their language skills are still developing. 

Your two-year-old can’t clearly express what they need, want, or feel yet, and this can be incredibly frustrating for all parties involved. Emotional regulation and learning to cope with frustrating situations are skills that children develop over time. And you as a parent can help them work on these skills!

The good news? Tantrum frequency tends to decrease as your child’s ability to use language improves. Emotional identification and regulation are key in preventing and ending tantrums.  

Here Are 7 Things You Can Do as a Parent to Help Prevent Tantrums:

1. Create a consistent schedule and routine. 

Children thrive off of consistency. When your child knows what to expect from their day, they are much more likely to remain calm. Try giving your toddler a heads up before daily transitions, like, “In ten minutes it’s going to be time to put your toys away and get ready for bath time.” 

2. Tune in to your child’s emotions and then help name those emotions.  

Try phrases like, “You’re feeling disappointed right now because playtime is over, and that’s OK. But we still have to clean up.” Children, just like adults, long to feel seen, heard, and understood. When they sense that you understand what they are feeling, they are less likely to have a meltdown. 

3. Identify tantrum triggers and establish boundaries.

Perhaps your toddler has a tantrum when you pay attention to your newborn. Try saying, “I need time with Ashley right now, and that makes you feel sad and worried. Can we read together after I’ve put her down for a nap?” 

You aren’t rewarding the tantrum—your newborn still needs to be cared for!  But you are letting your toddler know it’s OK to feel their feelings, and you are still going to do what you need to do. “Pick out the book you’d like to read together while I try to get Ashley to nap.”

4. Discuss emotions throughout the day. 

Don’t wait until your child is upset to talk about emotions. Read books that explain and process feelings and ask questions that facilitate discussion. Try asking things like, “Why do you think he looks so worried? Is it because he is afraid of that dog getting so close to him?” 

5. Plan ahead. 

If you know tantrums are more likely to occur when your child is hungry, tired, stressed or overstimulated, do your best to plan for those types of situations. 

Pack extra snacks, create a nap time routine and speak to your child about a stressful or tiring situation ahead of time. “Going to grandma’s house is really fun, but can also make you feel really tired. If you need quiet time while we’re there, let me know and we can sit quietly together. You can also take a nap in the car on the way home.” 

6. Provide positive attention. 

Notice when your child is being helpful, caring, or putting effort into learning something. Naming positive emotions and experiences is just as important as naming more difficult ones.

7. Give your child the ability to make small choices throughout the day. 

Toddlers long to have agency, and not having it can be frustrating. Help your child foster healthy self-esteem and independence by giving them age-appropriate choices. “Would you like to wear your green or white shoes today?” 

You won’t be able to prevent every tantrum, but creating a consistent routine, tuning in to your child’s emotions, identifying common tantrum triggers, and discussing emotions can help mitigate tantrum-causing stress. 

And by planning ahead and providing your child with positive attention and small choices throughout the day, you’re providing them the space they need to develop healthy self-esteem, self-trust, and independence. 

A Tantrum Is in Full Swing. Now What?

Tantrums happen. It’s not the end of the world, even though it might feel like it to both you and your child. 

Depending on why your child is upset, you may need to alter your approach to handling the outburst. If your toddler might hurt himself or others during a tantrum, take him somewhere quiet to calm down. If he’s testing boundaries in a way that is unsafe (trying to turn on the stove, for example,) explain the dangers and remove him from the situation.

But if your toddler is simply overwhelmed, tired, or feeling big feelings they don’t know how to explain, try the following:

• Help your toddler calm down by modeling appropriate behavior. Stay calm yourself (even though it might be really hard!)

• Acknowledge their big feelings and again, help name those feelings. “Your little brother took your toy without asking. That makes you feel angry and upset.”

• Offer to take some deep breaths together. “Let’s take some deep breaths together so we can feel calm. Then we choose what to do next.”

• Be there for your toddler. At the end of the day, your job as a parent is to keep your children safe and create a space for them to express themselves. Over time, they will learn to do so in more effective, healthy ways.

• Try not to judge yourself! Remember, tantrums are developmentally appropriate for toddlers. You’re not a bad parent if your kid has a tantrum. And they’re not a bad kid if they have one, either!
  

When Is Professional Help Advised?

Tantrums should become less frequent as your child approaches age 4 and has more self-control. But if your child has a mental health disorder, they may have more frequent, severe tantrums and professional intervention may be helpful. 

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References

1. O’Donnell, L. (2018, June). Temper Tantrums. KidsHealth Blog. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html

2. Talking With Preschoolers About Emotions. Penn State Extension Blog. https://extension.psu.edu/programs/betterkidcare/early-care/tip-pages/all/talking-with-preschoolers-about-emotions

3. (2020, November). Temper tantrums in toddlers: How to keep the peace. Mayo Clinic Blog.

   https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845 

4. Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Respond. The Australian Parenting Website Blog.

   https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums