Madeleine Vieira 8/25/22 Madeleine Vieira 8/25/22

5 Tricky Toddler Behaviors for Parents and Caregivers to Understand

If you’re the parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve seen your fair share of temper tantrums, dealt with hitting or biting, or gotten into power struggles with your child.

While the toddler years are a wonderful time of exploration and development, they also can be trying on parents or caregivers.

One minute your child is being oh-so-sweet and angelic and the next they’re throwing a fit in the middle of the frozen food aisle.

Let’s tackle 5 tricky (but common) toddler behaviors and gain insight into why they occur.

If you’re the parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve seen your fair share of temper tantrums, dealt with hitting or biting, or gotten into power struggles with your child.

While the toddler years are a wonderful time of exploration and development, they also can be trying on parents or caregivers.

One minute your child is being oh-so-sweet and angelic and the next they’re throwing a fit in the middle of the frozen food aisle.

Let’s tackle 5 tricky (but common) toddler behaviors and gain insight into why they occur.

Why Does My Toddler Throw Temper Tantrums?

Temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. They’re your two- or three-year-old’s way of expressing big emotions they’re unable to regulate. Young children are not able to express frustration, anxiety, or anger the way older children or adults can because their brains are still immature.

It’s normal for toddlers to throw tantrums because they haven’t yet learned the ins and outs of:(2)

Impulse control
Communicating their needs or wants
Self-soothing
Delaying gratification
Problem solving
Navigating situations with appropriate responses

The good news is, by age three and a half, most children have few or no tantrums.(1)

There’s no such thing as a “tantrum disorder.”(2) But frequent or persistent tantrums may be an indication of a larger issue that needs to be addressed. Children with ADHD are particularly prone to outbursts or meltdowns because they struggle with poor impulse control and being bored.(2) A recent study showed that over 75% of children who had severe temper outbursts also fit the criteria for ADHD.(2) Children with autism or anxiety may struggle with unexpected changes or unfamiliar situations and have a tantrum as a result.(2) And children with sensory processing issues may have a tantrum if they are experiencing sensory overload.(2) Depression or undiagnosed learning disorders could also be contributing factors to children throwing tantrums.(2)

Emotion-regulation is a skill children need to be taught, just like problem-solving or communicating their needs.

And when a child can’t emotionally regulate, a tantrum, or two other common toddler behaviors, may ensue.

Why Does My Toddler Bite and Hit?

It may surprise you to learn that biting is a common behavior among toddlers. It typically happens when a child is trying to communicate a need or cope with a difficult emotion. For example, your toddler may become frustrated or mad when a sibling takes his toy. He needs to self-regulate and cope with the anger and frustration but doesn’t know how, so biting ensues.

A Few Reasons Toddlers May Bite or Hit:

They are still developing their impulse control skills
They don’t yet know how to delay gratification
They’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to regulate themselves
They lack the skills to communicate their strong feelings with words
They don’t understand what constitutes an appropriate response to dealing with a challenge

On episode 13 of Genius Little Minds, I give some tips for things you can do and say when your child has bitten another child. Check out the podcast episode here.

Why Does My Toddler Refuse to Share?

Sharing is tough! Even for adults, it’s sometimes difficult.

It’s not very realistic to expect your 2-year-old to be a competent sharer. They’re just too young to grasp the concept. They’re also lacking language skills to express themselves fully, so they often can’t explain why they just don’t want toshare.

So if your young toddler hasn’t yet mastered the art of sharing, don’t sweat it. This skill doesn’t develop until a child is about 3 and a half or 4 years old.(5)

Sharing is a learned skill, so talking about it (without imposing unrealistic expectation that it will happen overnight) can be helpful. Try pointing out moments in your daily life when sharing occurs, like when you share your food with your spouse or take turns using an electronic device.

Why Is My Toddler Not Seeking Independence?

You’ve probably heard that two-year-olds have a lot of opinions. After all, everyone says they love the word “no”, want to dress themselves and try new things. But what if your child doesn’t fit that description?

Of course as a parent, you play a huge role in your child’s life. Your behaviors and parenting style have a huge impact on how your child acts and interacts with the world.

Now I’m not here to shame anyone’s parenting... I know everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources available to them. But there are two parenting styles that can either encourage the development of autonomy or hinder it.

Autonomy Supporting Parenting

Also know as Autonomy Granting Parenting, Autonomy Supporting Parenting encourages independence in ways that are gentle and appropriate.(4)

Children with Autonomy Supporting parents are allowed to explore new, non-threatening situations without interference. (4) This teaches them independence and the idea that it’s OK to be themselves.

Protective Parenting

Protective Parenting is “the broad restriction of a child’s autonomy.”(4) And it “can increase the risk of child anxiety development.”(4)

To some degree, every parent is protective of their children. But Protective Parenting can interfere with a child’s discovery or the magical world of autonomy. It can hinder independent exploration and reduce their confidence.(4)

Interested in Learning More?

Check out this podcast episode for more information on these tricky — but common — toddler behaviors. Learn what to do when your toddler starts to hit the dog… or their sibling. Gain insight into how to handle a toddler who won’t get dressed, and what to do when your child simply won’t. stop. screaming. I also provide a few scripts for what to say to your toddler in these tough situations.

Equip yourself with knowledge and tools to help your child thrive. And be sure to subscribe to the Genius Little Minds podcast so you never miss an episode!

References

Madeleine Vieira 8/3/22 Madeleine Vieira 8/3/22

How to Help a Child Who Is Struggling to Make Friends: 8 Tips and Tricks

Most of us reflect fondly on some of the friends that we had in our childhood. Whether it was a friend that lived just down the block that we biked to see every day or a friend we made at summer camp and have kept in touch with ever since. Friendships can be one of the sweetest parts of childhood.

Today, however, we are seeing more and more children struggle to establish and maintain healthy friendships. The pandemic and lockdowns drastically changed children’s social lives. For months on end, most children only interacted with their siblings or even no children at all.

Now, as many children have transitioned back to in-person learning and full daycare and preschool, they may have social skills to catch up on.

So, how do we help bridge this gap? Let’s dig into it.

Now, as many children have transitioned back to in-person learning and full daycare and preschool, they may have social skills to catch up on.

So, how do we help bridge this gap? Let’s dig into it.

Friendships Are Essential to Healthy Development

You know that a good friendship is good for the soul. You likely have people in your life who you don't know how you would live without.

It can be easy to forget that our children are really just little adults with all those same social and emotional needs. They long for connection and relationships with others just like we do.

Additionally, friendship has so many other benefits. Here are just a few:

Lower stress levels(1)
Providing a sense of belonging
Higher self-esteem
Encouraging good behavior

Good friendships can also help children develop social and emotional skills. Through conversations and interactions with their peers, they learn the rules of conversation.(2) They are also exposed to others’ viewpoints, learning how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Being around their peers also shows them what type of behavior is appropriate for their age and situation.

Studies have shown that children with high-quality friendships are more likely to perform well at school. This likely relates to friends helping a child feel comfortable, valued, and welcome in their classroom. Reliable friendships can also make big transitions, like from one grade to the next, easier.

The need for friendship and the benefits experienced by it are equal for boys and girls. We need to remember that boys need quality relationships and connections just as much as girls do.

On the flip side, there are significant challenges that come with not having good friends. More than 50% of children who have been referred for emotional-behavioral problems report having no friends.(4)

Trouble making friendships and keeping healthy relationships often carries into adulthood.(3) These social skills are ones that we need to be teaching our children early on so that they are set up for success.

Why Friendship in Childhood Can Be Difficult

Children lack the practice that adults have in interpersonal skills. They don’t always know how to read social cues and how to act in certain situations.(5)

Some children are a bit more shy and anxious and struggle to start friendships because of this. Other children haven’t yet learned good empathy skills and find it difficult to think about others and their feelings.

If your child is struggling to make friends, it could be for a variety of reasons. Sitting down and having a conversation with them is a great place to start. You can try to understand what they are feeling and experiencing. Then together, form a strategy to build and maintain friendships.

Maybe you need a few pointers to get you started. Here are some of my best tips for helping your child make friends.

8 Tips for Helping Your Child Make Friends

Model what good friendship looks like. Let them watch you make conversation with other adults and children. Tell them when you are reaching out to check on your friend or sending them a gift to brighten their day. Involve them in activities that you do with your friends.
Encourage friendships that are good for your child. You may be thinking, ‘I don’t even know who my child could be friends with.’ If so, this is the first place to start. Talk with your child to identify who they might like to be friends with. You could enlist the help of their teacher or another adult in their life to identify good friends. Then, put in the effort to schedule play dates and fun activities with that child. If you can’t find any particular friends that your child may enjoy, consider enrolling them in group activities, like ballet or football.
Recognize their personality and adjust to it. Every child is unique, just like every adult is unique. Some are introverted while others are extroverted. Some enjoy being in crowds and attending big events while others don’t. Recognize that your child (and their friends) may have a different idea of quality time together than you do. Adjust your activities and plans accordingly.
Role play with your child. Practice what they should say and do in certain situations. Let them practice introducing themselves and asking if the other child would like to play with them. Make conversation with them and guide it in a direction that it would typically go between two children, such as talking about their favorite toy or kind of ice cream.
Reinforce and praise them when they interact well with their peers. Especially in the first few years, you will likely be around for every one of your child’s social interactions. When you see them being kind, sharing, taking turns, and making conversation, praise them. Let them know that they are doing a great job.
Discuss and identify your child’s emotions. Help your child figure out what they are feeling and name it. Many childhood friendships suffer because of a lack of emotional awareness and emotional regulation. Giving your child the tools to manage their emotions will help them avoid this.
Help your child put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Empathy and compassion are essential to making relationships work. Children aren’t born with the ability to see things from another person’s perspective. We need to guide them and help them identify what other children are feeling and how to handle those feelings.
Demonstrate how to say sorry and make amends. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes your child is going to hurt someone else and sometimes your child is going to be the one that’s hurt. We need to demonstrate to our children not only how to apologize and ask forgiveness, but also how to forgive and set healthy boundaries.

Friendships can feel difficult and time-consuming to maintain at times. However, every human needs connection with other humans; it’s how we’re wired.

Before your children are fully independent in their social skills, they may need your help with this. That is totally normal and okay. Give them the tools and information they need and get ready to watch them succeed.

Would you like more child development tips in your email inbox? Be sure to sign up for my newsletter!

References

Madeleine Vieira 7/16/22 Madeleine Vieira 7/16/22

Toddler Development: Independence, Exploration, and Tantrums, Oh My! Your Energetic 19 to 24 Month Old

Your baby is more than a year and a half old now, and boy does she have a lot to say! As your toddler’s vocabulary continues to grow, so does her confidence. You may find her testing limits, exerting her independence, and strutting her stuff everywhere she goes!

Between 19 and 24 months, you’ll notice your child is going through so many amazing changes. The chubby baby you know and love is growing up so fast! She’s gaining muscle, a more defined jawline, and getting both taller and leaner.

As she’s mastering skills like walking, running and climbing stairs, her personality is also developing. Soon it will become more obvious if you have a daredevil or more careful child on your hands. One thing’s for sure–your toddler will keep you on your toes as she engages in pretend play, feels big emotions, and continues exploring the wide world.

Toddler Development: Your Toddler From 19 to 24 months

Exciting New Movements

Toddlers have so much energy–and by now you’re probably used to chasing after them! As your toddler gets more confident walking, he’ll use his hands less and less for balance and even break into a run at times!(1) When running, it can be hard for your toddler to stop or make turns, so he might take a tumble to the ground once in a while.(3) He may also discover he can stand on tiptoe to look for things out of reach.(4) Overtime, he’ll learn to kick a ball and throw one underarm.(11) Every tactile discovery feels exciting and new as he grows into his body each day!

Expanding Vocabulary

By 21 months, your toddler will be able to use around 50 words!(4) And by 24 months, they’ll be able to use two word phrases and simple pronouns like “me, my, you.”(4) They’ll start to pick up new words all the time, often echoing the words you say.(3) You may be singing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” to teach your toddler anatomy. By 21 months they’ll be able to identify 3-5 body parts when asked.(4) Reading with your toddler may also become more fun as they more readily identify objects in their picture books.(4) But you also may find they want you to read the same story to them… over and over and over!(5) They know what they like and want to have it… all the time!

Tantrums are Normal

Your toddler is learning to regulate their emotions and communicate their needs and desires.(6) But it takes time to master these skills. When a young child is frustrated with herself and her limitations or is angry she can’t get her way, a tantrum is likely to ensue.(7) While they can be embarrassing for parents, tantrums are a normal part of toddler development.

Toddler Development: Milestones From 19 to 24 months

While every child develops at their own pace, here are some things your child will likely do by the time they’re 24 months old:

Social/Emotional Checklist (2)

Can tell when someone is upset or hurt. For example, pauses or looks sad when they see someone crying
Turns to you to see how to respond in an unfamiliar situation
Says “no”(3)
Has trouble waiting for things and wants them right now(3)
Engages mainly in parallel play, but begins showing an interest in including other children and playing together(8)

Language/Communication Checklist(2)

Strings at least two words together to form a short sentence, like, “more please”
Able to point to known objects or things when asked
Uses gestures beyond just pointing or waving
Can identify at least two body parts when asked
Follows simple directions(8)

Movement and Physical Development Checklist(2)

Can kick a ball
Walks upstairs with or without help
Runs (but stopping or turning can be difficult)(3)
Can take a few steps backward(3)
Uses a spoon to eat
Opens cabinets, boxes, and drawers(3)
Can stack 2 to 4 blocks(3)

Cognitive Checklist(2)

Able to play with multiple toys at a time, like serving tea to a teddy bear
Uses switches, buttons, and knobs on toys
Can hold something in one hand while using the other (like when holding a cup and removing the lid)
Says “please” and “thank you” when prompted(3)

What You Can Do to Encourage Healthy Development in Your 19 to 24 Month Old

Encourage Pretend Play

Pretend play will emerge at this age, and it’s so fun to witness! Your toddler may pretend to cook a meal or sail the high seas in a cardboard ship. Make space for your child to play both near you—they gain the confidence to explore and try new things, knowing you’re close by—and with other children.(9) Sharing and taking turns will still be hard at this age—so don’t think you’re raising a selfish child!(9) Toddlers just tend to think everything is theirs and are reluctant to share.

Have Conversations and Respond in Full Sentences

Now that your toddler knows a handful of words, you can encourage conversation by listening and replying when they speak to you.(9) If your child says, “Mama, ball” you could reply by saying, “Would you like to play with your red ball?” By doing this, you’re exposing your child to more words, helping expand her vocabulary and giving context to her requests.

Encourage Problem Solving

Give your toddler space to learn and problem solve. Model curiosity and questioning when something doesn’t work out. For example, if your toddler is trying to put shapes in their corresponding holes and it’s not working out, you can ask, “Does the triangle have round edges?”(1)

Make Time for Skill Building

It can feel hard to let your toddler do things on their own when you know it would be faster if you did it for them. But stepping in can rob your child of the opportunity to learn and grow! Try to build time into your day to allow for your toddler to build everyday skills and develop their independence. Let them take off their own shoes or use a spoon to feed themselves. It may take longer, but you’re giving them the opportunity to engage their brain (as well as their large and small muscle groups).(9)

Model Emotional Regulation

Sometimes, your toddler will try to do something and they’ll fail. And tears will likely ensue. They’ll want to drive their toy truck under the bridge (coffee table) but the bridge is too low. And they’ll have a meltdown over it. Empathize with your toddler and their big feelings. Validate their frustration, be patient, and explain what they’re experiencing. You could say, “You’re feeling frustrated because the truck doesn’t fit under the table.” And give them an opportunity to choose again. “Would you like to drive the small car under the table instead?”

Every Stage Comes with Joys and Challenges

Each step of the way, you have the opportunity to help your child learn and grow. Subscribe to my newsletter for more helpful parenting tips, and don’t miss the other blogs in the infant and early childhood development series!

References